Uncertainties

It was a warm night. A perfect night for rediscovering cultural roots and more over coffee in the enchanting coffee shop of Inky, one of Xyza’s closest friends. It’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other and finally, Xyza had the time to reconnect with her old friend.

“Who’s this friend of yours again that’s coming tonight?” Paul, Inky’s boyfriend inquired.

“It’s “ee-zah” with a silent X and a Y in her name. She’s my friend from college. My comforting ear when I was problematic then.” Inky supplied.

“Ah… that’s when you were lonely ’til you met me eh?” Paul teased.

Inky just rolled her eyes with mock irritation but pleased that her beloved finally found her. They walked hand in hand towards the shop and Inky recognized Xyza at once. She was wearing a gypsy top and a black flowing skirt looking quiet but peaceful while waiting for Inky. She was writing something on her journal.

Good ol’ Xyza still caught up in her own world… Inky thought.

Xyza’s face instantly lit up when she saw Inky and her boyfriend. She was very happy for her friend for ending up with a guy who truly loved and adored her.

“Inky! What a nice place you have here!”

“Well yeah. This is Paul. It’s so nice to see you dear! How have you been?”

“Oh I’m fairly OK compared to the last time we saw each other. I was such a wreck but hey, I survived right?”

“Yes you are a survivor definitely! You look like you’re finally happy!”

“O well, blessed are the poor in spirit… right?”

Both of them giggled upon recollection of Xyza’s favorite beatitude – same one she mumbled during the times when she felt like her life was falling apart.

Xyza was invited by Inky for a cultural night held at their coffee shop. From what Inky could see, Xyza sure is enjoying herself. Musicians from the faraway place of Sagada entranced the guests with their enchanting music from their unique musical instruments as natives from Benguet danced to its mysterious tunes.

Xyza immediately felt the connection between the music and her soul as she danced with eyes closed enjoying the temporary peace it brought to her being. Her heart beat in synch with the kulintang and her blood flowed with the rhythm of the bamboo poles. Her soul-trip was cut short when Inky approached her. She opened her eyes.

“Did you see who just arrived?”

“No, who?” Xyza looked to where Inky pointed and she saw him. Xyza did not know how long he had been looking at her. There he was, Zany, that eccentric guy from college who had been shyly eyeing him from afar. They both nod in recognition of each other.

“Don’t you think it’s fate that you met here?” Inky teased.

“You mean him? I don’t think so. Don’t overanalyze it. This is an artists’ gathering, he’s an artist so naturally, he’d be here.”

And so the pessimistic Xyza strikes again. She dismissed the possibility that fate might indeed be lending a playful hand at her nonexistent love life. She just enjoyed the rest of the night inhaling the magical air that the night brought. Although, she’d lie awake all night thinking about that nagging feeling that constantly disrupts her currently happy self.

The next day, she watched a movie by herself to ease everything that’s been bugging her mind. She watched the last full show for an indie film and again, watching a movie, made her spirits high. When she came home late, she checked her email first as force of habit and among her friendster messages was an invite from a guy who came across her profile and had found Xyza interesting that he initiated friendship. She responded not expecting for this trivial invitation to go any further and was surprised when the guy immediately responded. Apparently, the guy was online. And so began the exchange of emails and getting-to know-yous.

The pessimistic girl that she had always been, Xyza was not a believer of online relationships but what could go wrong? Kyle, the friendster guy was 25 [older as she preferred], was single, not to mention good-looking by Xyza’s unconventional standards and to top it all off, he’s based in the faraway land of California. What could possibly go wrong right?

Xyza fell asleep after a short and sweet “getting-acquainted” exchange of messages. Had it been her old worrywart self, she would have contemplated the whole thing overnight. But she’s changed somehow and she just let the situation take its pace.
The next day, she was surprised by a commendation from her boss informing her that she had a pending promotion. She couldn’t bring herself to believe it.

Blessed are the poor in spirit… kept ringing in her ears.

For Xyza, everything that’s happening seemed surreal. She didn’t know how to accept the good things again after everything she went through. Also, she was traumatized by a series of unfortunate events because she perfectly knew what came next. And so, she held everything in as they came and tried to be nonchalant about it. Again, she got caught up in a new, different world.

After work, Xyza went to another concert by an underground band all by herself, she did things alone these days and she indulged at these times to keep herself grounded. She danced as the music united with her blood flow and as the drummer stared at her singleness and peculiarity. Xyza didn’t mind. She came there for the music anyway. She was hypnotized by the band’s imaginative and rather mischievous beat– kind of like Xyza’s mixed emotions.

The music summarized everything Xyza felt when the organized madness started. She felt as if being happy was new to her. This might be because she had been sad for the longest time that it was foreign to smile again, to do things for herself again and to finally be loved again. She closed her eyes, wrapped her arms around her and inhaled the warm air that had comforted her, welcoming the bright and blessed future ahead of her. She opened her eyes and saw everything differently– she had such hopeful vision.

She started for home, with new zeal for life-for work, the next day. As her apartment was conveniently located near her office, she decided to just walk her way home, even if it was the unholy hour of 9p.m. for walking. She didn’t mind. She was too consumed with her newfound peace… in fact too consumed that she didn’t see the fast approaching jeepney behind her.

After the blinding light that overwhelmed her vision, next thing she knew, she was standing next to a crowd observing some kind of an accident. Apparently, someone got sideswept by a jeepney and the people started calling for help. But in spite of the good person that she was, she still started for home letting the rescue of the victim to the hands of the good Samaritans in the crowd. She’d be too numb for that right now.
When she got home, she was happy that her housemate was still there. But as she approached her, she saw that the housemate was crying.

“No! She couldn’t be dead!” her housemate wailed.

Upon hearing the word dead, a resounding noise rang in her head. It’s as if the world turned into a dizzying 360 degrees and everything came back to her. She was the victim of the collision. She was dead already even before she came home – and maybe even before that…